


reticent

by Yourfriendlydeafneighbour



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex probably needs some therapy, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Arguments, Crybaby Alex, Gen, Miscommunication, OOC Alex, Thomas and Alex friendship, Unreliable Narrator, implied past abusive friendship, self-loathing thoughts, these boys need to learn how to talk, unspoken apologies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 19:44:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13958673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yourfriendlydeafneighbour/pseuds/Yourfriendlydeafneighbour
Summary: Alex gets reminded of someone he'd rather not think about.





	reticent

Alex hates himself. He hates himself so fucking much, why did he have to go and piss off Thomas like that? He was just trying to keep the banter going smoothly but he ended up digging his heel in one of Thomas’ sore spots. Typical Alex-style, great fucking job Alex.

 

As soon as he saw the amused, content look on Thomas’ face morph into defencive anger, he immediately shrunk into himself, apologizing in a small, pathetic voice. Somewhere in his mind he realized that his behavior was not unlike a scared puppy. That no-one wants. 

 

After Thomas stopped yelling at him for teasing him about his glasses, (apparently he was teased about them as a child quite a lot.) Thomas turned away and started tapping on his phone. Alex, in response, moved away from him as far as he could physically get without leaving the couch, and stared at the wall. He wanted to go on his phone, he wanted to run from the horrifyingly tense atmosphere of the living room to his bedroom, a safe haven, and maybe cry in his bed, but he stayed. Because he fucking felt like Thomas would get even madder at him for acting sulky, as if he was a child or inferior to Thomas or some shit. Nothing to focus on but his own mind. Perfect. He chewed his fingers, trying to ignore the frantic stream of  _ JamesJamesJamesJamesJames Thomas was going to be  _ **_just_ ** _ like James- _ -but he  _ wasn’t.  _ Thomas wasn’t james and Alex was a bad person for even  _ thinking _ that Thomas was anything like James--think about anything else, politics, writing  _ anything.  _ He just couldn’t stop being a baby for once, could he? 

 

A muffled sob ripped out of him, tears sliding down his cheeks. He couldn’t help it, Thomas just reminded him  _ so  _ much of James--and no wonder everyone treated him like a child, he  _ was _ one. He was just a pathetic childish waste of space and if he didn’t get it together Thomas would decide that Alex just wasn’t worth it and he would up and ignore him for days and  _ is that what you want Alex? _

 

“Are you mad at me?”

 

Alex looked over his shoulder at Thomas and his face was just- blank. Fuck he was really pissed at him. Why couldn't he stop crying? Thomas was hating him more and more now. also, how was he supposed to answer that question? He didn't want to risk making thomas even more mad by saying yes. He also didn’t want to explain what was going on inside his stupid brain.  _ Oh, i’m just crying because you reminded me of my ex-friend who according to multiple sources was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive towards me and i'm fucking scared you're gonna be like him. _ Alex wasn’t about to imply that Thomas might be abusive. He wasn’t even sure if James was abusive in the first place. He probably didn’t even realize how much he hurt Alex. James probably didn’t know any better. Fuck Alex didn’t want to think about this. He settled with the safest answer that came to mind.

 

“I’m mad at myself” he sniffled. Pretty close to the truth, anyway.

 

Thomas nodded in response and looked back at his phone. Alex still didn’t fucking feel like he could hide on his phone too, or run into his room without getting scoffed at for it. He tried to cry quietly as he chewed off the skin of his nails. He was aware that it was gross and technically considered a form of self-harm but fuck it. He just needed something to focus on other than the toxic mess of his head. Something to help him breathe a little easier. 

 

He jumped when the tv in front of them suddenly turned on and he felt an arm press onto his side. He risked a glance at Thomas, who was pointedly looking at the screen instead of him. Alex’s favorite show was playing. He sighed in relief and leaned into Thomas a bit more. This was Thomas’ way of apologising, and it felt like a tremendous weight was lifted from his chest. James never apologised.  _ Thomas wasn’t James _ .

 

He swallowed past his tears. “I’m sorry, Thomas”

 

“...So’m I, Ham”

**Author's Note:**

> hey, thanks for reading this, if you're wondering who this 'James' guy is, I have no idea. maybe this Alex was friends with Reynolds? you guys can speculate in the comments. I have no idea where this fic idea sprung from but as soon as it did I had to write it down. don't worry, Alex and Thomas will figure out their communication skills. eventually.


End file.
